GRIEF & HEALING
Holding a funeral or memorial service for your loved one is a positive first step in the grieving process. Family members and friends get a chance to say their goodbyes, and at the same time, they get to share strong feelings with one another.
In the days, weeks and months following the service, people continue to need others to lean on for understanding, encouragement and guidance. For that reason, many local and national support groups have formed. These groups provide a common place and a comforting environment for expressing emotions through each phase of the grieving process. To learn more, click on the links below, or discuss grief counseling and support options with your funeral director.
- AARP Grief & Loss: a collection of resources and an on-line support community.
- National Funeral Directors Association: Frequently Asked Questions about grief.
- American Cancer Society – Support to cancer patients, family and friends.
- Growth House – Discusses hospice care, dying with dignity, terminal illness, grief and bereavement.
- WidowNet – an information and support resource for, and by, widows and widowers.
Grief Resources For Parents
- National SIDS and Infant Death Program Support Center – support for families dealing with SIDS.
- Bereaved Parents USA – a nationwide organization designed to aid and support bereaved parents and their families.
- The Compassionate Friends – supports families who have experienced the death of a child.
Grief Resources For Children
The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.
In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage with different levels of intensity. The five stages of loss do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief.
The death of your loved one might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges: As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
Many people do not experience the stages of grief in the order listed below, which is perfectly okay and normal. The key to understanding the stages is to not feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process= it helps you understand and put into context where you are.
Please keep in mind that everyone grieves differently. Some people will wear their emotions on their sleeve and be outwardly emotional. Others will experience their grief more internally, and may not cry. You should try and not judge how a person experiences their grief, as each person will experience it differently.
1. Denial & Isolation
Denial is a common defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss, numbing us to our emotions. We block out the words and hide from the facts. We start to believe that life is meaningless, and nothing is of any value any longer. For most people experiencing grief, this stage is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.
If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
This is an attempt to bargain. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable, and the accompanying pain. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
Guilt often accompanies bargaining. We start to believe there was something we could have done differently to have helped save our loved one.
The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
Reaching this stage of grieving is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience– nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
Please visit the office of Lavender’s Funeral Service and pick up you FREE BOOKLET on Bereavement & Grief.
LAVENDER’S FUNERAL SERVICE also sponsors FREE BEREAVEMENT COUNSELING with certified counselors quarterly. Please call or check our website Community Calendar for dates and times. Since 1947, You and Your Family Have Been Our #1 Priority And You Always Will Be!